I knew the anniversary of my dads death was the beginning of October. I just don't like to think about it. I don't visit his grave site. I try not to think about the day at the hospital and the pain I had to live through. The pain I saw my mom go through. She was so happy most the time when my dad was alive. Only when it came to finances did she and my dad fight. She loved him so much. When he was gone she was gone for a while. We lost our house. She filled for bankruptcy. We lived off of Social Security.
My dad was my strength as a child he held me up. When I hurt myself falling he would be the first one to pick me up and rescue me. He always had a weird spray to put on my scratches and then a band aid that made it feel so much better. When I would get teased at school he would tell me how jealous those mean girls are of such a wonderful person I was. He never wanted me to worry and he never wanted me to cry. I loved him so much.
His health started to fail. He had a stroke. It was awful he didn't know what was going wrong with him. He couldn't handle light and he couldn't keep his balance. He was so sick he would yell at all of us all of the time. I knew he was in pain. He went to a hospital and recovered. It was amazing. He was almost back to his regular self.
A while later we had went to our family cabin for a nice weekend together. He had told us that he wished he could spend the rest of his life there. Then he started to get sick again. He was losing his balance again. His face changed he wasn't my loving dad anymore he was really in pain and had to lay down. My mom didn't know that it was a stroke again. We hurried home and I had my last dinner with my dad. It was mac and cheese with corn on the cob. It was really good. My dad was still acting a little strange but I didn't think a hole lot about it. I was only eleven years old. I went down stairs to watch a movie. I had a weird erg to go upstairs but decided to stay down stairs anyways. A little while later my mom called down to me to come upstairs. I did, I made eye contact with my dad being pushed by the paramedics going out the door. I ran to the door and saw several fire engines in my circle. It was terrifying. My mom took off with someone maybe a neighbor I really don't remember. Another neighbor said I was going over to her house. She was nice we made cookies. I didn't know what was going on. I was so scared. Some how someone ended up taking me to the hospital. I saw my dad he was talking and didn't look so bad to me. He just look like before when he had his first stroke. Sick but not to bad. He told us he loved us and that we needed to pick up his shoes he left down stairs. (weird things I remember) My mom took us home and put my brother and I to bed.
Later that night my mom got a phone call. I heard her answer the phone and start crying. I had never heard my mom cry so hard. I knew something terrible had happen I was to scared to leave my bed. Someone I cant remember who came over and my mom left. Later I went to the hospital again. only my dad wasn't awake anymore he was a sleep with a scary machine doing his breathing. He had gotten worse during the night and had to be put on the machine to stay alive. There was no chance for recovery. Sitting there looking at my wonderful dad pale and with no emotion was awful. I knew that everything was going to be different. I knew my family wasn't going to be as happy as it once was. I knew my childhood was going to be over.
When my mom decided to take the machine off and let him die I was in the hallway with some family. I felt the world coming down on me and I had a hard time breathing. I felt like I was dying.
My dad would never get to see me grow up. He never got to meet my wonderful children and see what a great guy I married.
17 years I have lived without my dad. He has been gone longer then I knew him. But he still is in my heart and I still love him very much.
Because of his death I got to know my mom. I was a daddies girl before he died. I didn't care to know my mom before my dad died. That was the only real blessing of my dad dying.
My mom was amazing. Even with all she went through with my dads death. She always held her head up. Yes she was sad and she had a really hard time with depression. She died very poor. But I got to know her. She was amazing. She was my rock. She was the best example of how to handle adversity I had ever met. Today I miss my dad, I miss my childhood. But I am so glad my mom was there to be my strength as an adult and to let me lean on her before she had to go. Now I am able to stand strong. I hope I will be able to make my children as strong with out all the pain.
But even though I feel strong I still feel blue. I miss my parents. I love my parents...
1 comment:
Amanda you are awesome! I never knew your dad, but he sounds like a great man. I am sure your are grateful that you have a wonderful family to keep you going!
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